A friend suggested that sex should be viewed as communication. I think that's a beautiful idea.

She said, "Next time you are intimate with someone, pay attention to the 'conversation.' Are you listening to your partner?"

Viewing sex like that helps explain many of my attitudes towards intimacy.

A verbal conversation with a trusted friend or lover is almost always more enjoyable than one with a stranger. With a loved one, you finish each other's sentences. You laugh at the same inside jokes. You go to mental places you never get to with idle chit chat.

But that doesn't mean you can't have an amazing all-night conversation with someone you just met in a coffee shop. Even if you never see that person again, your life is richer because of the dialogue you shared.

If a conversation is there, a one night stand can be a beautiful thing.

And the "conversation" idea explains how sex can be lousy even with someone you love. If you stop listening, it ceases to be 2 way communication. It becomes little more than mutual masturbation. That's why couples need to have fun in the bedroom once and a while: introduce toys or role play or whatever. It's infusing a tired conversation with some new topics to discuss.

Thinking about sex as communication explains why I rarely find young women sexy. Attractive-yes. But not always sexy. Most 18 year olds are just beginning to understand the basic mechanics of their bodies. Until a person is in tune with their sexuality, they are without a sexual "Voice." I know it has taken me years to find my sexual voice, and to realize what I am listening for.

It's also why I am such a huge fan of masturbation. Knowing your own body is critical. How can you communicate with a tool you barely understand?

Sex as communication explains why you can tire quickly of a beautiful, but empty, partner. Their body may be well-suited for the physical act, but so is a Doc Johnson Vacu-Jac. Without conversation, a lover is just 3-D Pornography with lots of baggage.

June 06, nineteen99